(5) Select an Option

This is Reepicheep, my parents Russian Blue kitty. He is going precisely… nowhere… because he’s between two stairs. You can’t get anywhere like this. And if you are trying to solve a problem (🥥) then you’re going to need to pick a step, which is honestly quite harder than it seems. It’s a choice to change. The kitty in this picture does not want to change. He likes being in the middle. Picking one step over another is harder than laying in between. But as Reepicheep once said in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis, “Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” So friends… we need to make some choices today.

Looking back to my past coconut posts, aka how to solve any problem (🥥) you have, let me remind you of what we’ve done so far:

Good work on all these steps! We’ve come a l-o-n-g way together in reaching this point of selecting an option. If you missed these posts, go read them before progressing on to today, and you’ll get more out of it. Because today we are going to take the options and decide what to do. We’ll ask, what’s the best option, in the balance? Maybe even is there a way to “bundle” a number of options together for a more satisfactory solution?

I’m going to give you an example to help make this nice and clear. Below I’m going to show you a problem that has been taken through all 4 steps listed above, so we can see how to choose a solution:

None of your friends will hang out with you anymore because you smell like sardines. 🐟 (This first statement is where you throw what you believe to be your problem on the table. We will analyze it next.)

  • identify the problem = 😭 friends won’t hang out with me because I smell like sardines, 🥥 you don’t want to do what is required for change 🚧 because you should be able to eat what you want
  • understand everyone’s interests = friends don’t like the smell, you like the sardines, husband is tired of having to listen to all your “girl chat” since you no longer have friends, kids are sick of eating sardines too, your parents are tired of getting phone calls from friends about your breath, cat loves you more than ever and sleeps by your face, coworkers have started burning candles at their desks but are much to diplomatic to comment, strangers no longer smile when they pass you
  • list the possible solutions = keep eating sardines, stop eating sardines, only eat sardines on special occasions, brush your teeth more, also use mouth wash, also floss, also buy a tongue scraper, also buy mints, get new friends, stop dumping all your “girl talk” on your husband, get online friends, hide from your parents friends, spend more time with your cat, buy sardines for everyone and get them obsessed too
  • evaluate the options = keep eating sardines (can’t do that because I miss having friends in real life), stop eating sardines (can’t because they are SO good), only eat sardines on special occasions (might come to this), brush your teeth more (really good idea), also use mouth wash (also good), also floss (I’m just not that dedicated, won’t happen), also buy a tongue scraper (ouch no), also buy mints (yum, mentos please), get new friends (well I like my friends), stop dumping all your “girl talk” on your husband (this is probably pretty important), get online friends (good idea for when I do eat sardines), hide from your parents friends (not possible, they’re like super spies), spend more time with your cat (totally valid after eating sardines), buy sardines for everyone and get them obsessed too (I just don’t see this happening, people are so grossed out by them which is weird and unfortunate)

I am going to choose the following option from the list above to be our solution = only eat sardines on special occasions. This will be our main focus from here on out, although as we continue along you will notice that I pull ideas from our other options to help build our contingency plans. So there it is, we are going to stop laying between the steps of eating all the sardines and wanting friends we don’t have. We are going to choose change. Choose taking this hard step of limiting our sardine intake to allow for an extraordinary destiny with our friends.

Next step will be documenting this decision so I want you all to make sure you are satisfied with the solution you have chosen. If you have followed the steps laid out in these posts I believe you will be both satisfied and prepared to make this change. So take a moment and use the example I laid out above to guide you in picking a solution to your own personal 🥥. No time like the present!


(4) Evaluate the Options

Yesterday I spent 3 hours sewing this dog for my youngest daughter. She had been begging me for a homemade toy so I sat down and made it. Because I’m a stay at home wife/mom I take my duties seriously and often prioritize meeting their need first 24/7. This is not healthy and I realize that, but I also need to take their demands on my time into account because moments like this one (above) are not something I will give up.

Remember step 2, where we tried to understand everyone’s interests in this issue? This is where we put that information to use. Let’s look over the list of solutions we made yesterday and evaluate them based on the interests of me AND others in my life. To keep this step simple to explain I will reuse the example from yesterday and add the evaluation step:

  • Liposuction my husband is against all unnecessary surgery
  • Go away to a diet ranch my kids need me around
  • Actually stick to a diet I really stink at this
  • Actually stick with exercise I stink at this too
  • Hire Athlete Courtney Ustrzycki to train me – I wonder if she can fit me in… that would be cool
  • Take diet medication not sure any actually exist that work
  • Gym as soon as I drop kids at school – I really really should do this!!!
  • Find an accountability partner – maybe Courtney and/or Rosalee
  • Give up Diet Coke – I really should do this, but my kids now like it too… should no one drink it?
  • Eat only when the sun is up I do this anyway so it’s not really a thing that’ll help
  • Drink lots of water – I need to do this. I’m bad at consistency
  • Give up alcohol – I need to do this too, wasted calories
  • Switch to black coffee I’m not ready for this yet
  • Prioritize sleep (at least 7 hours a night) – yes
  • Start lifting weights I don’t know how to do this
  • Stop eating junk food – this is a MUST
  • Only eat at home too challenging with travel
  • Give up Starbucks no, I could give up Starbucks food but not coffee
  • Find a diversion when I’m hungry too vague
  • Buy a Peloton my butt was not built for a bike seat
  • Use my treadmill – good idea
  • Start memorizing bible verses instead of snacking – actually a great plan
  • Bribe myself for weight loss with rewards – my husband is fully supportive of rewarding me
  • Find something physical to master I don’t know what this would be so it won’t work for me
  • Keto – possible
  • Decide I don’t actually care enough that it’s no longer a problem at all I am not okay with this

So this is what I have to work with: hire Courtney, gym after school drop off, accountability, give up Diet Coke, lots of water, give up alcohol, prioritize sleep, stop eating junk, use treadmill, memorize verses instead of snacking, bribe myself for weight loss with rewards and do keto. These are all things that I CAN do. After a detailed review, there is nothing stopping me. I feel like this is a big step. I love excuses. I make them all the time for why I can’t prioritize my health. But these solution are not playing that game. There is no reason why I can’t do them. None. I’ve checked.

If you have been taking your personal issue (🥥) through these steps I feel like you should be pretty excited right now. We have done some big important work and you should be proud. Next we’re going to figure out exactly HOW to make this happen. 🙌🏻


(3) List the Possible Solutions

I’ve decided to share my problem (🥥) with you in today’s post. We all have one, but this is mine:

I don’t want to do what is required to change my BMI compounded by the feeling that it is so much harder for me because I don’t like being hungry or exercise.

Ever since my youngest was born (7 years ago) my weight has gone ⬆️ and ⬇️ because I just don’t want to do what I need to do to change. Confession made. Now this is the fun part of problem solving… brainstorming. Here I can get as creative as I want and come up with possible solutions to my 🥥. I will list away as they come to mind:

  • Liposuction
  • Go away to a diet ranch
  • Actually stick to a diet
  • Actually stick with exercise
  • Hire Athlete Courtney Ustrzycki to train me
  • Take diet medication
  • Gym as soon as I drop kids at school
  • Find an accountability partner
  • Give up Diet Coke
  • Eat only when the sun is up
  • Drink lots of water
  • Give up alcohol
  • Switch to black coffee
  • Prioritize sleep (at least 7 hours a night)
  • Start lifting weights
  • Stop eating junk food
  • Only eat at home
  • Give up Starbucks
  • Find a diversion when I’m hungry
  • Buy a Peloton
  • Use my treadmill
  • Start memorizing bible verses instead of snacking
  • Bribe myself for weight loss with rewards
  • Workout rewards too
  • Find something physical to master
  • Keto
  • Decide I don’t actually care enough that it’s no longer a problem at all

Now here’s your assignment: I want you to drop in the comments what your 🥥 is and then start thinking of possible solutions. There is no judgement or reality in this stage; just think of anything and everything that might help you. If you are feeling shy and don’t want to put it all out there then don’t! Or send me a direct message using the CONTACT form. Either way do it. I did!


(2) Understand Everyone’s Interests

So we’ve decided that our problem (🥥) is that we don’t want to do what is required for change (wrapped in a complaint like “I hate going hiking every time my husband and I go out together”) blocked by the notion you should have to be dealing with this in the first place because of xy and z (such as none of your friends always have to go hiking with their husbands). It would be great if we could jump right into solving this problem but we don’t quite have enough information to do that yet. We have to get an understanding of how others interests will effect our ability to make the change.

See, the solution to our problem won’t work UNLESS everything and everyone we want to include is satisfied by our solution. We often ignore our true interests as we become attached to one particular solution. So who will be effected if I change this, and do I care? Let me list all the types of people who would be effected by a change in my life: myself, husband, kids, friends and extended family. There may be other people who need to be considered in your solution. The best solution is the one that satisfies everyone’s interests (especially when you’re a mom).

The step we will be working on today is active listening and information gathering. You will need to explain the way you want to actually start making changes. See if the people in you life have any concerns or suggestions and listen with the intention to understand. Let me give you an example:

I want to actually do what it takes to do something with my husband other than hiking. And I need to figure out how this will effect the following people:

myself – I will need to assert to my husband that I want to make a change and come up with alternate activities. It won’t be easy to begin this conflict.

husband – My husband will have to be more flexible in activities. Not sure how that will go.

kids – If my husband doesn’t agree with the change and I really want it to happen, there may be conflict that effects the kids.

friends – Hopefully friends wont get involved but if they do I will have to consider how it would effect friendships.

extended family – Again hopefully extended family won’t get involved but if it becomes a problem that gets relayed to others I will need to be prepared for that as well.

Now that you have gathered this information you can move onto the next step which will be brainstorming solutions. And because you took the time to do a little research you can make quality decisions there. Maybe you are going to decide to prioritize some feedback over others. Maybe you can now see more clearly the difficulties involved in making this change.

And remember, the random example I gave above is only to show you how to go about collecting information. You need to insert your own particular 🥥 in there and ask some tough questions of yourself and others in your life. If you do this you will be ready for the next step! Keep up the good work!


(1) Identify the Problem (🥥)

What is your problem (🥥)? In order to identify one we need to know what one is, so here is my definition:

🥥 = [problem (wrapped in a complaint)] blocked by an excuse

By the time you finish reading this formula will make perfect sense. Promise. Now the best way to start working this through is to ask WHY so many times you’d even annoy your toddler. Take what you think your problem is and start asking why, why, why, why. Here’s an example:

You: 🥥 = I am so exhausted
Me: why?
You: because I never get any sleep
Me: why?
You: my kids decide they want to talk about all their issues at night
Me: why?
You: that’s when they think of issues and I want to be available to them
Me: why?
You: Matthew 7:3-5 (it’s easier to focus on other people’s problems than fixing my own)
Me: why?
You: because then I don’t have to change and I feel good for being a sacrificial mom at the same time
Me: why?
You: change is hard to make
Me: why?
You: I don’t like it
Me: why?
You: seriously stop asking why
Me: why?
You: I don’t like it

Now this is just one issue out of a million I could have picked, but you can run through the same scenario with ANY 🥥 you have. But once you get to the end of all those whys I promise you are going to end up in the same place I did. We don’t like doing what is required for change. That friends is actually your 🥥. It’s my 🥥 too. And we can address things like lack of sleep, dry skin, unhappy marriages and body fat until we’re blue in the face – but unless we address our real problem, we don’t like doing what is required for change, we will get nowhere.

Now what I am NOT saying is that everything bad in your life is your own fault. Because that’s ridiculous. Bad things happen for no apparent reason all the time… but things that we have no control over are not allowed to be 🥥. For example, if your house explodes in a gas leak fire and you lose all your stuff you have experienced a tragedy. Any number of 🥥 can come from that such as: I have no house, I have no money, I struggle to feel safe, I moved and now I’m lonely. Those are problems, 🥥 we can address.

I’m going to take this one step further and you all are going to hate me, but I’m going for it. Your “problem” that you have been struggling with is actually your complaint. Just being honest because what you have always viewed as your 🥥 is actually… not. Watch this:

Complaint: I have no friends.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

Complaint: I’m fat.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

Complaint: I’m exhausted.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

See it? Our complaint is masquerading as our problem but it’s really not the actual 🥥. And in order to change something we need to make sure we know what we’re changing.

So now that we are at the heart of the issue I’m going to tell you the one thing that is capable of stopping your ability to move any further. I’m actually going to tell you WHY you have been unsuccessful at solving your problem no matter how many plans you have made. Here it is: you don’t feel like you should have to. Most likely your friends do not all struggle the same way. So you are going to have to do things that they don’t have to do in order to solve your 🥥.

I’m going to leave this post here because I think there is a lot to consider already. But before you move on to the next post on solving problems (🥥) you need to understand these three things:

😭 complaint: unique to you (fill in here)
🥥 problem: don’t want to do what is required for change.
🚧 roadblock: don’t feel like you should have to.

Okay? After you get to this point I hope you have a good understanding of the 🥥 you’re facing and have decided NOT to let the roadblock stop you. Big hugs friends. This is tough stuff. More soon… 😘


Introduction: The Problem with Coconuts (🥥)…

Here is a partial list of things that have been said to me in the last 48 hours:

  • I really struggle to love my husband.
  • Why is it so hard not to freak out over things you can’t control?
  • I wish I was more like ____ (name not listed).
  • Trying to lose weight is so frustrating!
  • I am not a people person.
  • I don’t have the skills to get a good job.
  • I am so exhausted.
  • I have horrible hair and can’t do anything with it.
  • I am so lonely.
  • Nothing makes me as happy as Amazon 1-click.

I call these 10 things I listed above coconuts (🥥). They are problems, and we all have them in our lives. These are things we struggle with, can’t control and feel bad about. Maybe because I’m amazingly beautiful, super eloquent, brilliant (okay I don’t know why) but people tend to chat with me about their 🥥.

Seriously though… it must be that it is 1/2 way through the year and people are realizing that this year is no different from last and it’s freaking them out. What I’ve learned from having these conversations is people tend to do three things when faced with a 🥥:

  1. Get afraid or uncomfortable and wish it would go away (because we don’t know how to find a solution and know that there will probably be conflicts about the solution).
  2. Feel that they have to come up with an answer and it has to be the right answer (a mistake because it tries to put the solution at the beginning, when what we need is a solution at the end of the process).
  3. Look for someone to blame (but instead we should almost welcome problems because they are opportunities to improve).

Problem solving is not something that everyone is good at and quite honestly I don’t believe it’s well taught. We learn how to solve math problems and answer questions on forms and perform experiments to find solutions… but decision making when there is no clear answer? Solving issues that no one cares about but you? Working for intangibles. These are the playgrounds of personal morality, life goals and imagination.

So here’s what I’m going to do. Over the next bunch of posts I’m going to do a series discovering what your 🥥 is and learning how to crack it. School is starting soon so if you don’t have any problems your kids soon will, and you can help them. But let’s be honest… we all have a 🥥 or two to tackle, right?


Peace Begins with a Smile

This morning I woke up seconds before the alarm because the smell of hot coffee was really-really close by. My youngest daughter stood there holding a cup and saucer towards me with a great big smile. We were leaving Disney today and that always makes me a bit sad, but smiling is such a great way to make other people feel happier.

••• Okay, this didn’t happen. I woke up feeling sad that it was our last day in my favorite place in earth. The kids were feeling bummed and scrounging leftover stuff to eat. I was packing last minute buttons, lost earrings and absolutely precious scraps of paper and discarded bottles of half used nail polish that must not be forgotten. But all the while, in the midst of travel chaos, I was desperate to bring home a bit of “disney magic” in my own heart. •••

So I made it my goal to remember the magic of Disney all day and find one thing to be grateful for each step of the way. Below you’ll see an itinerary of sorts with examples of where I deliberately chose the attitude I wanted to have instead of just waiting to see how I felt like feeling:

7:00 am 🧳 all six of us took our bags down to the lobby where a nice Disney worker checked them through to our destination. As each bag passed from my hand to his I felt their weight and the gratefulness in my spirit that I no longer had to carry or keep track of them. Did you know that putting these small pauses between actions can provide you with fresh energy for the new task ahead? It’s true! If you just completed a task and without pausing to realize it is done you might miss the sense of accomplishment you should be enjoying! So with a mental slam of the football into the end-zone I collected our boarding passes and lead our crew off to the hotel lobby to await the airport transfer.

7:30 am 🚃 the Magical Express arrived to whisk us from the Grand Floridian to Orlando International Airport. My mind so desperately wanted to cling to our vacation but I didn’t want my day to be filled with loss, I wanted to enjoy today just as much as I enjoyed yesterday. After all, this is another day of my precious life! I’ve found the best way to get out of my thoughts and into the present is to connect with my senses… you know: touch, smell, taste, sound and sight. So I forced myself to look out the window and do you know what I noticed? Palm trees. I remember looking at those same palm trees as we drove to and from the Orlando airport as a child. We when to Disney World 2-3 times a year when we lived in New York and I remember thinking how amazing palm trees were. There are no palm trees in New York. And when I saw them I knew Disney was close by. But guess what?! I live in Arizona. I have palm trees right beside my own pool. There are palm trees all around our town. And as each palm tree passed the window I no longer felt sad, because if you look hard enough you can find the magic of Disney everywhere. 🌴

8:30 am 🚫☕️ we arrived at the airport, got through security, took a tram to our terminal and got ZAZA coffee because there was no Starbucks in the terminal. Starbucks is easy because the kids know the menu and it’s simple to grab breakfast or snacks for the plane. But a Cuban coffee shop? Not as easy. As we waited in line I talked over the menu with the kids. Guava pastries? Quesitos? El Macho? But I can’t really describe what guava tastes like, or explain why they make pastries with cream cheese or figure what the difference between our bread and Cuban bread is. The kids had no idea if they would like anything here and had more than a million questions, but do you know what? I listened to the kids. Really listened to them and they weren’t complaining. They were confused. There was a Wendy’s right across from ZAZA and I suggested Brian take the kids there. Instead of getting flustered about how I was going to get my coffee if they couldn’t find anything to eat or judging them for not being adventurous with breakfast or being lost in my own pre-coffee cloud, I listened to them. So I got my coffee and they got their hash browns and we were all happy (well, as happy as you can be without Starbucks). 😉

10:00 am ✈️ to Denver International Airport and slept on Brian’s shoulder the whole way! Remember how I connected with my senses on the bus ride to the airport and turned a sad trip into gratitude? Well same thing here. I could just say whew, glad I caught up on my sleep but instead I saw the love and attention in this simple experience. I spent three hours on the shoulder of the man I care so much for. The person whose attention I crave the most in this world. And in that light, this flight brought such joy and peace to my heart. I wished the flight was longer!

12:30 pm ☕️ arrived in Denver and started looking for lunch… but what I really wanted was Starbucks. Should I wish away lunch hoping for coffee? No. I shouldn’t pass over any moment I have been given, hoping for the next. So here’s the trick… I am not my thoughts. I may observe the fact that I want Starbucks, but I can listen to that thought. It is not me. I am separate, and by watching these thoughts come and go I am present. I am not stuck in those ideas or allowing them to drag me down a hole like Alice chasing that white rabbit. So I had a lovely taco salad and afterwards, we tracked down a Starbucks. And in reality… I think I enjoyed the taco salad more!

3:00 pm ✈️ to McCarran International Airport was spent creating this blog post. I love writing. No secret about that. I write stories from the dog’s perspective and read them to my kindergartner’s class. I write diaries and short stories and letters to friends. But today… I’m writing to you. After all, the activities we enjoy connect us with our inner purpose and bring us fully alive. I’m sure you know that feeling when you’re in the flow of an activity you excel at, that you love, that feeds your soul. People who run talk about this feeling all the time. How they forget the world as their feet pound the pavement and the miles slip away. You’ve probably heard a runner describe this. Personally I don’t believe them. Running is a horrid torture that couldn’t bring such lovely feelings. But writing can! Oh all right, it’s all different for everyone I know. But running..? Alright. It’s things like this that help us lose our smaller self. The part of us that overthinks e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and worries and can never decide. On the other hand, I find my happiness soars when I add activities into my week that expand my passions and shrink my neurotic tendencies.

5:00 pm 🎡 arrived in Las Vegas and as usual… this city is a spinning top waiting to be flicked off the table by a toddlers thumb. At least that’s how it feels to me. So as I stepped off the plane I ran over the words of Thich Nhat Hanh in my mind: walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet. I usually pound the earth trying to race my kids to the nearest restroom and then lumber heavy-footed to get my baggage and drag it to the car. But tonight I was trying something new. I want the lightness of Tinker Bell mixed with the lame man Peter healed at the Beautiful Gate.

6:00 pm 🚘 started the drive home after meeting Kayana’s mom and sister in the airport. Which was actually such a lifesaver since we never would have fit our luggage in the trunk. (Guess when you bring home two more suitcases than you left with there can be space concerns…) On the way home our youngest decided she never wanted to travel away from home again and vowed to kiss the floor when we got back. Poor thing. It’s hard being 7. Actually it’s hard being every age. We all have things that pop up in life that throw us more than we would want or expect. I always try to understand, validate, create safety and encourage growth. For example:

  • I can see how traveling so long can be exhausting.
  • Feeling the way you do is completely normal.
  • I promise to get you cozy and tucked in your own bed as soon as we get home.
  • And I want you to know how proud I am of you for all you did this summer. You are growing into such a wonderful young lady.

Oh course this technique needs to be done in my own life as well. Speaking into children’s lives is important as a mom but I need to do the same thing in my life and my husband’s. We are all pretty similar in our need for understanding and support as we grow and change all throughout life.

8:00 pm 🐯🐺 we got home and spent the next 13 years hugging the cats. Okay not really, but boy they sure missed us! As I got the kids ready for bed I tried to get them to focus on their own lives, right in that moment, just as I had been trying to do all day. Avoiding getting lost in memories of our summer travels. Avoiding becoming stuck in worries about the coming days or churning thoughts of the school year to come. Avoiding lashing out with judgements and reactions to perceived attacks from other tired siblings. For tonight let’s just rest our tired bodies and enjoy the feeling of our own beds. Tomorrow will be a whole new day. Claudia is sleeping in our room tonight because lots of change needs lots of cozy. Madeline is falling asleep. Beatrice is falling asleep. The house is quiet again.

So there you have it! We’re all finally home and going nowhere before school starts again. Thanks for sharing all my vacation posts over the past month. It’s been fun writing it all down and now I have a gift to myself that I can re-read whenever I need a mini trip. If you’re local I can’t wait to see you all again and to my friends far away we need to plan more trips in the future. But before I plan anything else I’m going to need a good nights sleep. Big hugs to all!