(2) Understand Everyone’s Interests

So we’ve decided that our problem (πŸ₯₯) is that we don’t want to do what is required for change (wrapped in a complaint like “I hate going hiking every time my husband and I go out together”) blocked by the notion you should have to be dealing with this in the first place because of xy and z (such as none of your friends always have to go hiking with their husbands). It would be great if we could jump right into solving this problem but we don’t quite have enough information to do that yet. We have to get an understanding of how others interests will effect our ability to make the change.

See, the solution to our problem won’t work UNLESS everything and everyone we want to include is satisfied by our solution. We often ignore our true interests as we become attached to one particular solution. So who will be effected if I change this, and do I care? Let me list all the types of people who would be effected by a change in my life: myself, husband, kids, friends and extended family. There may be other people who need to be considered in your solution. The best solution is the one that satisfies everyone’s interests (especially when you’re a mom).

The step we will be working on today is active listening and information gathering. You will need to explain the way you want to actually start making changes. See if the people in you life have any concerns or suggestions and listen with the intention to understand. Let me give you an example:

I want to actually do what it takes to do something with my husband other than hiking. And I need to figure out how this will effect the following people:

myself – I will need to assert to my husband that I want to make a change and come up with alternate activities. It won’t be easy to begin this conflict.

husband – My husband will have to be more flexible in activities. Not sure how that will go.

kids – If my husband doesn’t agree with the change and I really want it to happen, there may be conflict that effects the kids.

friends – Hopefully friends wont get involved but if they do I will have to consider how it would effect friendships.

extended family – Again hopefully extended family won’t get involved but if it becomes a problem that gets relayed to others I will need to be prepared for that as well.

Now that you have gathered this information you can move onto the next step which will be brainstorming solutions. And because you took the time to do a little research you can make quality decisions there. Maybe you are going to decide to prioritize some feedback over others. Maybe you can now see more clearly the difficulties involved in making this change.

And remember, the random example I gave above is only to show you how to go about collecting information. You need to insert your own particular πŸ₯₯ in there and ask some tough questions of yourself and others in your life. If you do this you will be ready for the next step! Keep up the good work!


(1) Identify the Problem (πŸ₯₯)

What is your problem (πŸ₯₯)? In order to identify one we need to know what one is, so here is my definition:

πŸ₯₯ = [problem (wrapped in a complaint)] blocked by an excuse

By the time you finish reading this formula will make perfect sense. Promise. Now the best way to start working this through is to ask WHY so many times you’d even annoy your toddler. Take what you think your problem is and start asking why, why, why, why. Here’s an example:

You: πŸ₯₯ = I am so exhausted
Me: why?
You: because I never get any sleep
Me: why?
You: my kids decide they want to talk about all their issues at night
Me: why?
You: that’s when they think of issues and I want to be available to them
Me: why?
You: Matthew 7:3-5 (it’s easier to focus on other people’s problems than fixing my own)
Me: why?
You: because then I don’t have to change and I feel good for being a sacrificial mom at the same time
Me: why?
You: change is hard to make
Me: why?
You: I don’t like it
Me: why?
You: seriously stop asking why
Me: why?
You: I don’t like it

Now this is just one issue out of a million I could have picked, but you can run through the same scenario with ANY πŸ₯₯ you have. But once you get to the end of all those whys I promise you are going to end up in the same place I did. We don’t like doing what is required for change. That friends is actually your πŸ₯₯. It’s my πŸ₯₯ too. And we can address things like lack of sleep, dry skin, unhappy marriages and body fat until we’re blue in the face – but unless we address our real problem, we don’t like doing what is required for change, we will get nowhere.

Now what I am NOT saying is that everything bad in your life is your own fault. Because that’s ridiculous. Bad things happen for no apparent reason all the time… but things that we have no control over are not allowed to be πŸ₯₯. For example, if your house explodes in a gas leak fire and you lose all your stuff you have experienced a tragedy. Any number of πŸ₯₯ can come from that such as: I have no house, I have no money, I struggle to feel safe, I moved and now I’m lonely. Those are problems, πŸ₯₯ we can address.

I’m going to take this one step further and you all are going to hate me, but I’m going for it. Your “problem” that you have been struggling with is actually your complaint. Just being honest because what you have always viewed as your πŸ₯₯ is actually… not. Watch this:

Complaint: I have no friends.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

Complaint: I’m fat.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

Complaint: I’m exhausted.
Problem: I’m don’t want to do what is required for change.

See it? Our complaint is masquerading as our problem but it’s really not the actual πŸ₯₯. And in order to change something we need to make sure we know what we’re changing.

So now that we are at the heart of the issue I’m going to tell you the one thing that is capable of stopping your ability to move any further. I’m actually going to tell you WHY you have been unsuccessful at solving your problem no matter how many plans you have made. Here it is: you don’t feel like you should have to. Most likely your friends do not all struggle the same way. So you are going to have to do things that they don’t have to do in order to solve your πŸ₯₯.

I’m going to leave this post here because I think there is a lot to consider already. But before you move on to the next post on solving problems (πŸ₯₯) you need to understand these three things:

😭 complaint: unique to you (fill in here)
πŸ₯₯ problem: don’t want to do what is required for change.
🚧 roadblock: don’t feel like you should have to.

Okay? After you get to this point I hope you have a good understanding of the πŸ₯₯ you’re facing and have decided NOT to let the roadblock stop you. Big hugs friends. This is tough stuff. More soon… 😘